


Spots of Grey

by neferlemon



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blindness, M/M, gradual loss of vision
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:44:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neferlemon/pseuds/neferlemon
Summary: All is well, all is normal, until Howon looks outside the window and notices that the blue sky is covered in grey spots. He blinks, and the spots remain.Inspired bythis





	

**Author's Note:**

> Description of the disease is not accurate.
> 
>  
> 
> (look at me getting distracted from my other works just because I saw one MV. I'm really sorry I have an attention span of a rooster)

 

 

 

Maybe it has started long before that day, but Howon only notices it on a Sunday morning. They were having a day off before going to Japan for a week tomorrow to shoot their new MV, and Howon, out of a sudden and out of place sentimental feeling of homesickness, decided to jog around the neighborhood.

It was autumn and the trees were red and orange, and it were all pretty until Howon notices that there were spots of grey covering those colors. When he blinked, they grey have gone and so did any further thought about it.

-

 

Their plane leaves for Japan the next morning and Howon slids into his window seat, before pulling out his iPod and stuffing his ears with the earphones. Sungjong sits next to him, not disturbing him once he sees the earphones, and pulls a book he is currently reading. It is a historical fiction about oedipus complex. Sungjong reads weird stuff sometimes.

Next to Sungjong in the aisle seats are Myungsoo and Sungyeol, the two of them are giggling about something Howon probably will never understand, or find funny. All is well, all is normal, until Howon looks outside the window and notices that the blue sky is covered in grey spots.

He blinks and this time, the spots remain.

-

 

They finished their photoshoot at 9 PM. and when they arrive at their Japanese apartment, all Howon wants to do is shower and sleep. However, Myungsoo whines about ramyeon dinner and Sungyeol proposes a kai-bai-bo bet where the loser has to buy instant ramyeon for the seven of them.

He thinks Sungyeol deserves it when the tall boy loses the first round.

He thinks it's unfair when he loses the second round.

Grumbling all the way down the elevator, Howon says to Sungyeol to go ahead and buy the ramyeon. Howon will wait him in the lobby.

"What ridiculousness! You're letting me walk around alone during night in a foreign country?" Sungyeol raises his voice.

"This is your dumb idea anyway," Howon says while throwing himself on the couch. They've arrived at the lobby. "If you don't say anything about kai-bai-bo, Myungsoo will have to buy his own food instead of us."

"But I can't let Myungsoo walking around alone with his pretty face," Sungyeol says.

"Then you can just accompany him!" Hoya shouts bitterly, before adding more quietly, "Don't drag me into your relationship mess."

"Are you going to be this lovely for the entire shopping trip?" Sungyeol demands. "Because if you are, then you can stay here all you like. I'd rather go alone."

"Go, then," Howon waves his hand and Sungyeol turns on his heel and leave him alone. Howon watches his back as he walks to the hotel entrance, before leaning into his seat and closing his eyes.

He can't stay like that for too long, because even if Sungyeol is a grown up man who is more than capable to protect himself on his own, he's also an idol, and god knows what could happen if he meets a sasaeng fan or some kind of other twisted people. Groaning for his sense of justice, Howon forces himself to stand up and walk, trying to catch the taller boy.

The night seems darker than usual for Howon. Weirdly, he welcomes the dark because everything seems black at the time, with various shades, that he can't really tell if the grayness in those trees is from the lack of light or from the grey spots in his eyes.

Howon walks out of the apartment yard, bypassing the security guard's post and arriving on the pedestrian walk. He looks left and right and finds no sight of Sungyeol. He decides to take right after some moment, the minimart there is closer and bigger than the one in the left so there’s higher chance that Sungyeol is going there.

Howon sets his pace slow. First, he is tired and second, he dreads Sungyeol catching the sight of him and smiling in smugness. Howon knows he will.

 

Then Howon hears it, there's someone behind him, probably 10 meters or so, and he walks, fast, toward Howon.

There are various possibilities of who the man is, but Howon keep himself alert for the worst possibility before turns his head around slightly to check what kind of man is currently walking behind him.

And he freezes.

Because he can't recognize the man, not with the way his sight blurred like those photos he took with Myungsoo's camera for the first time.

His body goes rigid and his breath picks up. He could feel blood rushing into his legs and hands, preparing him to either flee or fight, and Howon feels his vision is blotched with red instead of grey.

When the stranger finally catches up to him, he touches Howon's shoulder but Howon is ready. He yells, punching the stranger right on the face.

"What the fuck, Howon!" the stranger, the blurry stranger yells in shock and pain. The cracking voice is familiar in a way that chases Howon's fear away as well as puts him into a state of dreads instead.

"Sungyeol?" he asks tentatively and suddenly the man crouching next to him, clutching his nose, gets clearer and clearer until Howon can see that he is indeed his band mate.

"Yes, it's me Sungyeol! Are you blind or something? Fuck, Howon. This hurts so much," the younger whines. His word strikes something in Howon. Is he blind? No, but maybe, he is about to be.

"Sorry," he says shakily. "I thought you're a sasaeng. Why do you come from behind me? I thought you’ve gone first?"

"I was talking to the security guard because he has this cute bulldog. By the way, you can't just punch people before you know who they are, Howon. You're an idol! Imagine if you actually punched an innocent passerby or a - hey, hey Howon you okay? Why are you getting so pale?"

"I... nothing. I just..." and Howon hates his life at that time. Hates his situation. He is usually eloquent but here he is, stuttering pathetically in the middle of the road in Japan in midnight.

"Are you sick?" he can feels Sungyeol's long finger touching his forehead. His fingers are cool, and Howon leans into the touch, because somehow the coolness calms him down.

"You don't have a fever," Sungyeol frowns. "But I think you're spent and your brain has shut down. Come on, let's just finish this quickly and send you back to bed."

Sungyeol draws his fingers away and Howon almost protest, afraid that Sungyeol will walk faster and he'll be unable to catch him.

He feels immensely relieved and thankful that Sungyeol's cool finger reaches for Howon's and lead him forward.

-

 

"What's wrong with your face?" Myungsoo asks in alarm the moment he sees Sungyeol back.

"Walk into a pole." Sungyeol grins.

"Sungyeol, seriously. We're in the middle of MV shooting!" Sunggyu shouts at the younger, displeased with Sungyeol's show of carelessness and Howon feels sorry. It's Howon's carelessness instead of Sungyeol's and he wants to correct Sunggyu, but he finds himself caring about it only a little, his mind right now can only replay the whole blurriness he experienced before.

"Seriously, Hyung. This is just a light bruise, nothing they can't cover," Sungyeol says next to him.

"I'm going to sleep first," Howon says, pushing through Sunggyu and Myungsoo to get into the apartment.

"You're not going to eat first?" he hears Myungsoo calls him but ignores it as he goes into his bedroom. Here in Japan, they are back to sharing room again. Howon can only be thankful that whoever his roommate is, he isn't on his bed yet.

 

He buries his face in the pillow. He is never as afraid as today, not even when his doctor tells him about his foot injury two years ago. Dancing is basic function to Howon, like moving and eating, and sometimes he thinks he'd rather die than living without being able to dance anymore but it is only a thought, an expression. He will be less happy without dance, but he can still do music.

If something is happening to his sight, however... maybe he won't even have a chance to do music anymore.

Howon feels the end of his eyes damp with tears and he let himself to cry on the bed, quietly.

-

 

Sungyeol carefully pushes the door open, noticing right away that Howon is already sleeping, lying on his stomach, without earphone on his ears, and it raises his curiosity.

It's not the first time he sees Howon like that. No, he has seen it plenty of times, when Howon is too tired to care about anything and crashed into the bed and out in seconds, not even bothered with his jeans and t-shirt. It still makes him feels a bit angry toward no one and nothing in particular.

Howon is so out of it today, Sungyeol touches his nose. It's still throbbing like bitch and Sungyeol wonders if he will be able to sleep at all with this pain tonight. Maybe he can grab a painkiller before sleeping today.

He approaches Howon's sleeping figure, pulling the folded blanket under his feet before putting in on the dancer. He stops for a while when he notices dried tears track on his cheek. Sungyeol is startled beyond believe that he freezes with his hands mid air.

Did Howon cry himself to sleep?

Eight years of knowing his same age friend and Sungyeol can count with one hand how many times he has seen Howon cries. So, the shiny patch of skin on Howon's cheek gives him an unsettling feeling in his stomach.

He touches Howon's forehead again, making sure that he really doesn't have any fever. After making sure that the rapper is tucked in under the blanket, Sungyeol lies on his own bed, thinking and worrying until almost 3 AM, and then finally gives up and swallows a painkiller.

-

 

He feels like punching Sunggyu in the face when the leader shakes him violently to wake him up the next morning.

"Everybody is already showered, now get your ass moving! What's wrong with you today? You're usually the easiest to wake up."

"Did you take any painkiller last night?" Myungsoo asks in worry and Sungyeol has to smile at his best friend's attention. He always pays attention to the smallest detail.

"Yeah," he answers. "Just one."

"Does it hurt a lot?" Myungsoo gingerly touches his face to check the damage.

"It doesn't now," Sungyeol tells his best friend. "Thanks to the painkiller."

"It bruises nasty, thought. You're in for a scold from our make-up artist, Yeol," Myungsoo chuckles.

Sungyeol dimisses his best friend. This is no time to worry about his nose, he thinks as remember Hoyas's tears.

He looks around to find the dancer is already showered and dressed, eating bread Sungyeol bought last night. He is chatting with Sungjong and he looks so fine and normal that Sungyeol thinks maybe he imagines the whole strange things that happened yesterday.

But then his nose throbs, as if reminding him that no, yesterday is very much real.

-

 

Their make-up artist gives him a glare as nasty as his bruise and Sungyeol thinks that she dabs that concealer with more power than necessary just to make him regret his carelessness.

Howon approaches him when he finishes his make-up and mumbles an apology.

"It's fine," Sungyeol says. "But what actually got into you last night?"

"Like you said, my brain shut down from fatigue yesterday," he shrugs. "I'm much better now after resting."

Do you usually also cry from fatigue? Sungyeol wants to ask but bit his lips before he actually says so.

He settles with reassuring Howon that he is fine, before leaving him when the director calls him for briefing.

He decides that for now he'll just watch Howon closer.

-

 

Howon is worrying, now that Sungyeol pays attention.

His dance is still sharp and his voice still clear. He still shoots his part with the least take among the seven of them.

But he slips his guard down when he is not performing. He sits down on a chair, staring at one spot in the distant for so long Sungyeol thinks he maybe has fallen asleep with his eyes open, except Howon never does that.

Sometimes when he picks something up in his hand, he moves it around several times as if he is looking for the best angle to see the object. It's like seeing Myungsoo, except Myungsoo does it for his photograph but Sungyeol has no idea what Howon does it for.

Also, Howon rubs his eyes, a lot.

Sungyeol concludes that maybe Howon is really more exhausted than he looks like, so when their shoot that day ends early and the guys want to go drinking because they're free tomorrow, he vetoes.

"You don't want to drink?" Woohyun asks him in disbelief. Sungyeol slaps his arm because he makes him sounds like an alcoholic.

"I'm tired," he says, trying to make himself look droopy and boneless. None of the members buy his sad acting.

"If you don't want to join us, then you can take a taxi and go home first," Sunggyu tells him. Sungyeol sneaks a look at Howon. Maybe if there is somebody going home instead of drinking, Howon will follow.

But, Howon and his eyebrow don't make any indication that they want to ho home whatsoever.

"I'll go with you if you want to go home, Yeol," Myungsoo offers.

Sungyeol sighs. He doesn't want Myungsoo to miss the fun with the other guys.

"It's fine," Sungyeol says. "Let's drink."

-

 

They rent a private room in a bar in Ginza. The room has a karaoke machine as well, so they have plenty of fun, except Sungyeol's mind is still full of worry for Howon.

The older man doesn't seem to share the same sentiment. He drinks well, he sings well, he laughs well.

He looks like he is having a good time, Sungyeol thinks, observing the dancer who is currently singing a duet with Woohyun.

"Hyung, you get all the lyrics wrong," Sungjong complains from his seat.

“I don't actually know the lyric!" Howon defends himself.

"They are right there on the screen, Hyung," Sungjong points at the TV on the wall. Howon eyes it distastefully before outright ignoring it and starts to sing another made up lyric for the song.

When they finally arrive at their apartment, it is nearly 3 AM. Sungyeol catches Howon when he stumbles on the stair.

"You're drunker than you look like, aren't you?" he snorts. He doesn't see Howon wasted that often, but maybe that's only because he can keep his appearance even when he isn't sober.

"The light is fucking bright," he hears Howon mumbles.

He is having quite a difficulty supporting Howon with his best friend suddenly hugging him from behind, snoring on his back. He sends a signal for help to Sungjong, who thankfully understand and peel Myungsoo away from his back.

He deposits Howon on his bed, taking off his shoes and socks, loosening the first few buttons in his shirt.

Howon is acting weird, but Sungyeol can't quite put what the weirdness is, and for the rest of the week in Japan, during the night, he keeps glancing to the bed on his right, deducing what is happening to their lead dancer.

-

 

The first thing Howon does when they arrive at Korea is to schedule an appointment with an optician.

He got the name from Hojinnie, who had a lasik surgery three years ago. She asked him why he needs a recommendation for optician and Howon says his brother needs it.

Howon calls for an appointment three days ago and here he is, in front of the doctor's clinic, unable to get out of the car.

In his stomach he can feel a familiar dread he has been living with for ten days. It feels like cancer, something deadly growing inside your body, wrecking you not only physically but also emotionally.

If he goes in, he will get the answer for his ever growing questions. About the grey spots, from where they come from, how severe it is, whether it can be healed or not, how it will affect his life.

But if he goes in, he will get not only answer, but also verdict. A verdict whether he can get his eyesight back or whether it will remain like this forever.

Or whether he will lose it altogether

Howon prides himself as a hardworking, courageous man. He isn't afraid of many things. He isn't afraid of people with money and power, he isn't afraid of the world, he isn't afraid of struggle.

But this night, he swallows that pride and drives back home.

-

 

It is hell during practice.

Howon thinks that the light for their practice room is too bright. He winces every time he sees its reflection in the mirror.

"Howon, why do you keep squinting your eyes?" Dongmin Hyung asks him after another session. The tone is neutral, not scolding. Instead, it is full of concern. Howon thinks it's intrusive.

"I'm fine!" he snaps in banmal.

The other members look at him in surprise. Dongmin Hyung is older, and their trainer. They are close, but they also respect him.

"Howon," Sunggyu warns quietly and Howon feels bad for losing control. He mumbles an apology and asks for a break, before leaving the dance studio.

He goes upstairs to individual practice room, finding an empty one and sits himself inside, not bothering to turn on the lamp.

It will be fine, he told himself. He still can dance just fine. The blurring occurs only rarely, and only during the night. The grey spots don't cover anything he needs to see.

He will be fine.

He sits down and calms himself (and his eyes - those lights were terrible) for a while and when he thinks he's ready, he opens his door.

Unexpectedly, Sungyeol is standing in front of his room. Well, not that much unexpected. Lately Sungyeol has been watching him, and it irks Howon, especially because Sungyeol isn’t known for his keen observation. That award goes to Sungjong and Woohyun. But maybe Sungyeol isn’t as ignorant as he thought, if only because he witnesses Howon’s weird behavior that night in Japan.

"...the hell are you doing here?"

"Dongmin Hyung asks me to tell you that we're starting again," Sungyeol answers.

"Really?" Howon asks, trying to voice disbelief but ends up sounding apprehensive instead. "How long have you standing there?"

"Not long," Sungyeol says.

Howon leads the way back to the studio, Sungyeol follows in silence. Howon hates the awkwardness. Sungyeol should be the one who initiates mindless banter or fills the silence with general noises, but why is he being so useless now?

They're three steps away from the studio when Sungyeol finally breaks the silence.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" he asks quietly and Howon hates him for offering.

"I'm fine," he spat, before slamming the door in Sungyeol's face.

 

They are sprawled on the studio floor, drained from the intense practice. Sunggyu has gone to the toilet, Woohyun and Dongwoo lying motionless on the floor, Myungsoo somehow still has the gall to rest his head on Sungyeol's thight, even after the older complains that he's too sweaty to touch him.

"Sungjong-ah, can you give me the grey tumbler next to my bag?" he asks the maknae who is sitting, leaning to the wall where they put their bags.

Sungjong raises his eyebrows. "The grey one? You mean the red one or the purple one?"

Howon curses himself for his stupidity. "The purple one."

Sungjong throws the bottle at him and he catches it perfectly. As he drinks his water however, he can feel someone eyeing him intensely from the other side of the room.

-

 

It makes him angry more than he should, the new attention Sungyeol gives him. He is usually the most tactless, unobservant, oblivious member of Infinite, but now Howon can feel his eyes following Howon's every single movement. He shouldn't have punched the poor boy back then in Japan. It was the prompt of this whole attention.

"Sungyeol, just stop staring at me! Did you catch this staring disease from Myungsoo or what?" he explodes one day when Sungyeol's staring has gotten a bit much. They are practicing again, in the studio, but Howon is taking a toilet break and Sungyeol has followed him there.

Sungyeol flinches at first hearing his outburst, but then his gaze hardens in determination.

"You're right," he says. "Let's stop staring. Gazing the truth out of you is not effective, so I'll just ask you directly: what are you hiding, Howon?"

Taken aback with Sungyeol's brazenness, Howon grits his teeth.

"If you're thinking that I'm secretly dating someone, then I'll have to tell you that it's none of your business."

"Injury," Sungyeol says. "Not girlfriend but injury. That's what you're hiding right?"

It is close. Very close to the secret Howon is guarding. He holds his breath for a second and Sungyeol takes it as a confirmation.

"You have two choices, Howon. Either you confess to me now and let me help you, or I'll tell Sunggyu Hyung."

"Are you threatening me right now?" he demands.

"I'm giving you a choice," Sungyeol says. "I'll give you time until the end of practice. If you still not saying anything about your injury, I'm telling Sunggyu Hyung."

Howon doesn't tell Sungyeol anything. Sungyeol is close, but he's in the wrong way. He has a hunch what the younger is planning to do and he is confident that he can take advantage on that.

 

True, when they've done with their practice that day, Sungyeol says loudly amidst the panting of the members inside the studio.

"Sunggyu Hyung, don't you think that we should do a routine check up before our comeback?"

"Why?" their leader eyeing the younger curiously. It is a pretty unusual request, especially coming from the member who hates anything medical the most.

"Because I think someone in our team is hiding an injury."

All of the eyes in the studio now look at Sungyeol.

"Who would do such a stupid and painful thing such as hiding injury?" Woohyun asks.

"You," Howon snorts because if there is another Infinite member who would most likely be the one hiding injury, it would be Woohyun.

"We all know who," Sungyeol interrupts, eyes gazing accusingly at Howon and the other members now shift their eyes to Howon.

"Howon?" Dongwoo asks him with worried, inquiring eyes. Howon shifts his gaze, he won't be able to refuse Dongwoo's eyes. "Are you?"

"I'm not," Howon says adamantly. There are some casual investigation doing, but Howon manages to keep them in the dark, much to Sungyeol’s dissatisfaction.

Later that night, in the parking lot, Sunggyu knocks at his car window before he can escape.

"Howon, I've known you the longest since our trainee day. I know you are smart and rational and won't do such a stupid thing like hiding injury, right?"

"Yeah, Hyung," Howon says, eyes firm to the front.

"So, do me a favor. Come with me to hospital right now."

 

His medical report comes clean, without any information about new injury. When he brings it to their practice the next day, Sungyeol read it with trembling hands. Howon thinks by the end of it he will tear the paper into two.

But Sungyeol just leaves the room after he finishes reading, throwing the result on Howon's lap.

-

 

A week passes without anybody bringing up or insinuating that he is hiding injury and Howon already almost forget about everything (except he can’t really forget because the grey spots are everywhere now), until it's time for their album jacket photoshoot.

The lighting they use for photoshoot is no joke.

"Open your eyes, Hoya-ssi!" the photographer keeps shouting at him. Howon tries hard to open them, really, but his eyes keep fluttering involuntarily. Finally, through his sheer will power he completes his photoshoot. He ignores Sungyeol whose turn is after Howon, who has been glaring at him since they arrive at the location.

Howon is checking his photo result on the computer when the pain explodes in his head.

It's headache strong enough to split his head open and scatter his brain. Howon collapse into the table, his hands desperately reaching for his head, trying to press any area that will make it stop.

The pain feels like it comes from the back of his eyes so he pushes his face into his arm.

"Hoya-ssi, are you okay?!" the assistant photographer who is showing him the photos screams.

"Howon!" he hears the other members rush to his side. "Howon, what's wrong? Where does it hurt?"

"I'm fine," Howon grits, finally able to answer after the pain subsides after a while. "Just got a dizzy spell. Probably low blood pressure. I didn't have breakfast."

They fuss around him for a while, pushing him to lie down on one of the couch and give him warm drink.

There are no Sungyeol among them however, who should be grinning triumphantly while saying 'I told you so' and Howon looks around to find the tallest member still in the middle of his photoshoot.

The moment he finishes however, he storms into Howon's couch.

"It's your eyes."

Howon jolts awake, nervously looking around to see if there is any other person who hears what Sungyeol has said. Thankfully, there is none. Howon pulls him out of the room, finding another unoccupied room and locking them inside.

"Congratulation!" he spits. "Now you've found out about my secret. You won the game. Now what do you want me to do about this?"

"Game?" Sungyeol asks incredulously. His voice is unusually high and it cracks at the end. "Is that what you think what I am doing? Game?"

"Then what else?"

"Howon, you are injured! You are sick! You're hurting yourself! For God's sake, why are you doing this to yourself?!" Sungyeol shouts in frustration. "How long has it been? What happened to your eyes?"

"It's nothing," Howon answers.

"Howon."

Sungyeol glares at him with eyes as intense as Sunggyu’s when he’s in one of his anger fit. The kid has been growing up, he’ll give him that credit. He sighs, trying to give something to pacify the younger but when he can’t think any, decided to just tell him.

"It gets blurry sometimes. Also there are splotches of grey and yellow in my vision. And sometimes they hurt if I look at something bright like lamps."

"Why didn't you tell us anything?" Sungyeol's voice strangely sounds like pleading. "What did your doctor say?"

Howon doesn't have answer for that. Sungyeol pales.

"You didn't... Howon, please tell me you've been seeing a doctor about this!"

Howon purses his lips, looking at the floor. He can see Sungyeol's lips disappear into thin line before he turns and walk away.

"No!" Howon screams, throwing himself on the floor to grab the end of Sungyeol's shirt. "No, Sungyeol-ah! Don't tell anybody about this. Please, I beg you!"

Sungyeol turns his head and Howon is surprised to see his gaze softening. Maybe the sight of Howon begging makes him pity Howon a little. This is Howon, who usually refuses to submit even to Sunggyu, now kneeling on the floor begging one of their maknae lines.

"You know I can't do that, Howon."

“Just until after our comeback ends," Howon finds himself making promise. "Just until then, please keep it a secret. This comeback is precious for all of us. This can be Sunggyu Hyung's last comeback before military. Everybody's working hard for this. Sungyeol-ah, I don't want to trouble everybody else."

"Howon," Sungyeol faces him now, crouching so they are at the same eye level. "Your eye must be examined as early as possible. No, you can't wait until our comeback ends. You don't trouble anyone. Everybody will understand."

"Don't!" Howon desperately looking for an opening to convince Sungyeol. "How about I let you help me, like you said before. I agree to go to the doctor, but that's it. I will still take a part in this comeback."

"You're not really in a position to argue," Sungyeol tells him. "The moment I tell Sunggyu Hyung about this, he will agree with me. But, I'll help you, Howon. We're going to an optician tonight and the decision whether you are partaking in this comeback or not will be based on the result of your examination."

-

 

Howon regrets agreeing to go to the doctor. This is too much than he can handle.

He tells the doctor about what he sees with his eyes. The big spots of grey, the blurring, the pain. The doctor puts a drop of liquid on his eyes, then asks him to stand in front of a weird machine she has in the room, then puts another drop of liquid, then presses a telescope-slash-hammer tool on his eyes.

“This is retinal problem,” she finally says when the examination is over. “A part of your retina, called macula, is degenerated, Mr. Lee.”

“What does that means?” he asks the doctor.

“It means,” she says. “You are losing your sight, Mr. Lee. Permanently.”

“Permanent?” Sungyeol asks, shocked. Next to him, Howon has lost the words on his tongue.

“90% possibility,” the optician tells them.

“You mean there is no treatment that can heal him?”

“With our current technology, I’m very sorry but yes, there is not. There are medications to slow the symptoms, but Mr. Lee comes here too late and even if he came earlier, the medications will not stop the vision loss, only slow it down.”

“But there should be something!” Howon shouts. “Like cornea transplant or something.”

Sungyeol puts his hand on the small of Howon’s back, rubbing it in circle.

“Mr. Lee, your cornea is in fact still intact and undamaged,” the optician patiently explains. “The one that is damaged is the retina, so cornea transplant will not solve the problem at all.”

Maybe they can transplant retina? Howon wants to ask but knows that it is futile. Sungyeol’s still rubbing his back.

“Mr. Lee’s vision will gradually decline, possibly in less than one year. The worst that can happen is total blindness.”

Howon feels tears prickling on his eyes. He is angry. He wants to strangle the unsympathetic doctor in front of him and snap Sungyeol’s wrist if he keeps rubbing Howon’s back.

“But why me?” Howon demands. “What is the cause of this? What did I do to get this?”

“It’s hereditary, Mr. Lee.”

Howon is rendered speechless again. Hereditary? Can it be even more unfair that this?

“I can suggest some medication to avoid any pain like the dizzy spell you experienced before and also medication to slow the vision loss. However, it is also best to prepare for the worst. Here are some resources you can learn about vision loss,” she hands them a handful of booklet. “It’s also better if you seek for second or even third opinion. I would be glad to be wrong.”

Howon can’t even take the booklet. The doctor holds it for a while, hands hovering in awkward position until Sungyeol takes it from her.

-

 

The drive to Howon’s apartment is silent. Sungyeol doesn’t initiate a conversation because he doesn’t know what proper word to say to a man who has just been told that he’s going to be blind in less than a year.

Howon is quiet on the passenger seat, but Sungyeol knows that he is crying. He doesn’t let out a single sound, not even his shoulders shake, but Sungyeol knows that he is crying.

When they arrive at Howon’s parking lot, he wipes his tears and says thank you to Sungyeol.

“I’ll stay with you tonight,” Sungyeol offers.

“Don’t,” Howon refuses, unbuckles his seatbelt. “Take a taxi home, or you can bring my car tonight. I don’t care.”

“You don’t have to go through this alone, Howon,” Sungyeol says.

“Then are you saying that you’re going to be blind as well?!” Howon shouts and Sungyeol tries his best not to look intimidated.

“No, but it’s always better to know that you have someone on your side.”

“You’re on my side?” Howon snorts. “You’re going to call Sunggyu tonight, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Sungyeol answers honestly. “This is not something that I can let pass, Howon. This is a big matter. This is something that Infinite should know.”

“Whatever!” he spat before getting off the car. Sungyeol follows him quietly. Howon doesn’t ask him to go. When they arrive at Howon’s apartment, he leaves Sungyeol alone in the living room before entering his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Sungyeol tries to listen to any sound of Howon crying, but there is no sound whatsoever. Even in private, he cries quietly, it seems.

Suddenly Sungyeol is filled with rage to God, to the world, to everybody and everything. What happens to Howon is so unfair. He is so good, so young, so talented, and he’s going to be blind in less than a year. Howon who ran away from home to build his dream, only to have said dream snatched away without warning after years of sweat and tears….

Howon doesn’t deserve this. And he doesn’t deserve to cry alone.

Sungyeol opens the door to Howon’s bedroom. “Howon?” he asks. “Can I come in?”

The light is of course off, but Sungyeol could see the silhouette of the dancer curling up on the bed, against the headboard. When Howon doesn’t reject him, he takes one more step closer to the bed.

“Howon,” he says, sliding a hand to the dancer’s back. It still feels so broad, so strong, but at the same time it sags from unfairness and defeat and Sungyeol can’t help but climbs into the bed and wraps himself around his bandmate.

“Howon, I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I wish I know how to help.”

Howon is warm and solid, and Sungyeol hold him tighter, wishing that he can protect Howon from the cruelty of the reality. He presses his chest closer to Howon’s back, hands locking on the dancer’s stomach. Howon doesn’t sob, doesn’t sniff, doesn’t even whimper. When Sungyeol brings his hand to his face, he’s surprised to find it dry.

“You can cry, Howon. You know you can,” he whispers.

“What’s the use?” Howon answers and his voice is small and hoarse and Sungyeol’s heart breaks again for the umpteenth time that night. “It won’t stop me from going blind.”

“We can go to another doctor.”

“It’s not the solution,” Howon says. “You know it’s not. She’s one of the best opticians in Seoul. She’s rarely wrong.”

Sungyeol presses himself closer.

“It’s my whole life,” Howon tells him. “My entire life is built only on my dream to be a dancer. I don’t know what I will do once I can’t see my body moves again.”

Howon shudders and Sungyeol feels the first wetness on his fingertips.

“I won’t be able to see, Sungyeol,” he says, as if it only hits him just now. “I won’t be able to look at people dancing, to learn their moves, and then copy it with my body. I won’t be able to look at you, or Sungjong, or Dongwoo, or the other anymore. I won’t be able to look at my parents and my siblings. Hell, I won’t even be able to look at the sky or the world anymore. It will be dark, right? When I’m blind.”

Howon says those words with difficulty as he is struggling to breathe. Sungyeol’s palm is entirely wet right now as he caresses Howon’s face.

“Out of everybody out there, why me?” he suddenly demands. “Is it because I don’t believe in God?”

Sungyeol can only press his face to Howon’s nape, hoping that Howon knows he is there.

“What will I do with my life later? Without dancing, without Infinite, what will I do?”

“You don’t have to quit Infinite,” Sungyeol says.

“The hell are you talking about?” Howon asks. “Of course I have to quit, I can’t dance anymore, in case you don’t realize.”

“You’re an idol, Howon. Not a dancer. You sing, you rap, and you act as well. You can stay in Infinite.”

“I don’t know this is you being naïve or being ignorant,” Howon hiccups.

“This is me being a member of Infinite. I don’t want to lose you, not over this.”

Howon suddenly moves, changing his position so they are lying face to face instead of back to front. Sungyeol retracts his hand from Howon’s face, settling it on his waist instead.

“You still don’t think much, do you, Yeol?” he cups Sungeol’s face instead. “You’re still saying the first thing that crosses your mind without thinking. Still so painfully honest. When I can’t see you again, will you still be like this?”

Sungyeol doesn’t know how to respond to that. He can only say, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Shit, why do I have to cry?” Howon says to himself. “Now your face looks extremely blurry. Will your face look like this from now on for me?”

Sungyeol doesn’t have the answer for that.

-

 

When Howon has finally cried himself to sleep, Sungyeol extricates himself gently from his hold and goes to the kitchen. The first one he calls is Sunggyu.

“Yeol-ah, this is 1 PM and you better have a good reason to call –“

“It’s Howon,” he says and then he breaks down and cries. He didn’t cry earlier, wanting to be strong for Howon, but the truth is he is only a weak man, unable to protect Howon and his dream and his future and his life.

“Sungyeol-ah?” Sunggyu calls him, quiet and careful. “Tell me what happened.”

So Sungyeol tells him the whole visit to the optician that night, also Howon’s break down and his wish to keep Howon in Infinite.

When he finishes, he is out of breath from crying and talking at the same time. Sunggyu is silent on the other end of the line.

“I’ll go there. Open the door for me, yeah?”

-

 

Sunggyu arrives thirty minutes later with Woohyun. Sungyeol isn’t surprised. He brings him to the kitchen and makes them hot tea and makes himself coffee. Woohyun eyes him in disapproval but Sungyeol doesn’t care. He needs coffee today, even when it is almost 2 AM.

“What do we do from now?” he asks the question, more to himself actually, but Sunggyu seems like he takes it as a personal question for him and sighs, cradling his head in his hands. Sungyeol for he doesn’t know how many times is thankful he isn’t a leader.

“You’re saying that Howon may lose his sight? Permanently?” Woohyun asks in disbelieve. “You mean he’s going blind?”

“That’s what the doctor said,” Sungyeol told them. “He broke down crying just now, he doesn’t know what to do, what to make of this situation and what will happen in the future.”

“You have been crying too, Yeol,” Woohyun suddenly touches his face.

“Well, who wouldn’t?” Sungyeol snaps. “Who wouldn’t cry when they hear the man they love is –“

And he shuts his mouth, shifts his gaze somewhere else that isn’t to the older two. Still, he can feel their eyes on him. He can tell that they’re surprised, and he even hears Woohyun gasps.

“Sungyeol, do you love Howon?” Woohyun asks carefully.

“Yes…” he answers, slumping his body into the table. “But my feeling doesn’t matter now. Hoya’s eyes do. Let’s just focus on that.”

“Right…” Sunggyu finally says after several moment of silence. “The important thing is to report this to the management.”

“But you can’t!” Sungyeol looks at Sunggyu in horror. “They will – they will kick Howon out for that!”

“But we still need to tell them, Yeol,” Sunggyu says impatiently. “So they can adjust his schedule and send him to treatment!”

“But there is no treatment,” Sungyeol says miserably and he is tearing up again and he hates everything. “It’s hereditary, and there is no cure yet. The doctor we just saw even gave us booklet to handle vision loss and contact for support center. Like it’s so final that Howon will be blind.”

“Sungyeol, don’t say it like that,” Woohyun holds his hand and rubs them.

“So I doubt Woollim will invest on Howon’s recovery, because there is no recovery! And it’s nearing our contract expiry too, I just can see they refuse to renew his contract and it’s so unfair so please, Hyung, don’t let them know about this at least until we sign the new contract.”

“Yeol, even if we sign the new contract, when they find out that Howon is… Howon can’t see anymore, his condition can nullify the contract.”

“Then we make a new condition for the new contract!” he yells and he knows that he isn’t making any sense right now but he doesn’t want leave Howon (or Howon leave them, actually).

“We will negotiate,” Woohyun promises. “We love Howon, we care for him, of course. We can say that we won’t renew the contract if Howon isn’t given the opportunity too.”

“Yeah, we can do that. Of course with the consent from the other member, but I believe they’ll agree to it. We all love Howon, Yeol. We care for him.”

-

 

Howon isn’t too happy when he sees Sunggyu and Woohyun in his house the next morning, but Sungyeol has warned him that he will not keep this a secret (ironic, because he asks Sunggyu the same last night) so he relents.

They spend the morning talking about Howon’s situation during breakfast. Woohyun, bless his heart, makes a hearty bowl of bean sprout soup that Hoya likes and while it won’t cure him, at least it is one more good thing for Howon’s morning.

“What if they don’t want to renew my contract, Hyung?” Howon asks Sunggyu and it must have pained Sunggyu so much to answer that.

“We still don’t know that, Howon,” Sunggyu says. He doesn’t disclose that they already have a plan, because Howon will be fussy when he knows they will sacrifice things for him. They agree on this earlier.

“Do you want to take a day off today, Howon?” Sunggyu asks and Sungyeol is thankful their leader offers leniency to him. Howon says yes.

They have to leave for practice and Sungyeol doesn’t want to go, but Howon assures him that his parents are coming from Busan so he will be fine.

 

-

The rest of the members are in shock when they tell them about Howon. All of them also agree immediately to join their plan.

“I want us to stay forever,” Dongwoo says, very genuine, very warm, and Sungyeol feels like kissing him.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice that,” Sungjong murmurs. “I mean he’s my closest Hyung, yeah, yeah the closest _after you_ , Myungsoo Hyung,” he says when Myungsoo perks up in protest, rolling his eyes.

“Don’t beat yourself too hard about it,” Woohyun says. “This is Hoya we’re talking about. He’s as stubborn as furniture.”

“Do furniture even have any capability to be stubborn?” Dongwoo points out.

“That’s beside the point, Dongwoo-yah. The point is, we all agree to do this. We won’t renew our contract if Woollim doesn’t offer Howon the same one,” Sunggyu concludes and when there is no objection, Sungyeol has never been so grateful to other people in his life.

-

 

Howon visits another ophthalmologist with his parents and later also visits another with Sungyeol. The results are all same: it’s permanent, it’s incurable. Here is brochure to cope with your future blindness.

Sungyeol doesn’t blame Howon for smashing his stereo in the living room, simply picking them up when Howon is sobbing in his room. This is the first and the last of Howon’s violent outburst.

Howon is so quiet in his struggle, in a way that makes Sungyeol feels helpless and inadequate. Honestly, if it is him going blind, he would've wear down everybody's sympathy for the next two years with his wailing, whining, and self-pitying. 

Howon doesn't seem like he wants to take any. In fact, it's as if he made a personal resolution not to receive any form of sympathy whatsoever.

It makes Sungyeol desperate. When he visit Howon and find him in his bed at night, he wants to hold the older boy and tell him reassurance, or brush his tears and caress his hair. That's what he wants if he is ever in Howon's position.

It is a week later when Sunggyu tells him that they will meet their CEO and negotiate about Howon’s contract. Sungyeol has never been this nervous in his life, including when he filmed his first drama and when Infinite debuted.

“So you’re saying that Howon is going blind in several months but you want us to renew his contract, otherwise you, all six of you, will leave us?” Jungyeop asks them with eerie calm. “I’m really touched with this whole display of… er… brotherhood loyalty. But honestly do you know how entertainment industry works? Tell me, you’ve been in it for seven years, you must have at least an idea.”

“It will be difficult, yes,” Sunggyu starts but the CEO cuts him.

“Difficult? Understatement. I will use harsh word on him, don’t flinch. Howon will be blind, he will be disabled. He can’t dance anymore, can’t walk without someone guiding him, can’t look at the people he is talking to, how will he do his job as an idol without his vision?”

“Howon can still sing, write songs, and rap,” Sungyeol finds himself saying. “You know that he is talented.”

“If talent is all it takes to be an idol, you won’t be here Sungyeol,” the CEO says coldly and usually it will sting Sungyeol’s pride to the point of almost no return, but he doesn’t think about it at all today. He almost curses at the older man.

“But Howon is more than talented!” he explodes. “He has good attitudes, he is hardworking, he is everything you want from a talent, and now just because he can’t see you want to kick him out, and you want to keep me even if I don’t have any of Howon’s talent and attitude just because I can see! Do you realize how fucked up is this?”

“Sungyeol!” he hears Sunggyu scolds him but Sungyeol doesn’t care about him right now. 

“Sungyeol, do you think I don’t want to keep Howon? I do, but when he is blind, there’s not much we can do for him. Have you ever try to care for a disabled? It is not an easy task.”

“Since when Infinite deals with easy?!” Sungyeol demands. “We sleep in that hellhole in Mangwon-dong for years and we never complain!”

“Lee Sungyeol,” Jungyep looks at him sharply. “Realize that it’s different. Very much different. What you need to success before is what you already have: a group mates. However, Howon will need more than a group mate. He needs a special care!”

Sungyeol _knows_ that.

“I’ll do it!” he yells. “I’ll take care of him! There, so the problem is solved, right?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jungyeop rubs his temple.

“Sungyeol,” Sunggyu touches his arm. “Calm down.”

“I know what I’m talking about! I know what special care you are talking about, and let me tell you this, yes! Yes, I’ll take care of him, in a special way like you say he needs. Why, you ask? It’s because I’ve always cared for him, in special way. So yeah, I’ll do everything for him. I don’t want to lose him.”

He is red and panting from his outburst and only then he realizes all of his group mates are touching him, patting him, either trying to calm or support him. Jungyeop only looks at him with dry expression.

“And now you’re saying you’re gay as well. My God.”

“So? Are you going to expel me as well? So Woollim rejects gay and disabled, nice to know.”

“Sungyeol, just. Sit down. You’re making me dizzy,” he points to the chair in front of him. “I never say anything about kicking you out, or Howon. Okay, if you keep your promise of being Howon’s caretaker, I’ll grant you your wishes.”

-

 

 

Howon hears someone entering the passcode, opening the door, and then a blur and an earful of "Howon! You did it!"

Then he gets an armful of Sungyeol, tall and lean and long and strong and he smells of air con and coffee as Howon have his face pressed into the other's neck.

"I did what?"

"You're staying!" Sungyeol shouts joyfully. "You're staying in Infinite!"

"What?" Howon is not quite sure with his hearing. "I what?"

"You're going to renew your contract and stay as a member of Infinite!"

"But how... why?"

"What a dumb question. Of course it's because you're too valuable to let go," Sungyeol says. "Howon, what to do? I'm so happy I think my heart is going to burst."

And then the next thing he knows, Sungyeol's lips is pressed into his.

Howon is frozen for a moment, until Sungyeol starts moving and nibbling, and he tastes like coffee. Howon kisses back and for the first time since he sees the grey spots in his vision, he feels joyful.

They part for air after some times, but soon dive into each other again. Howon doesn’t think much about this situation, he just kiss, and kiss some more, because Sungyeol pulls him like a gravity. He doesn’t really know if he ever wants this before, but when Sungyeol runs his fingers on Howon’s hair and sighs into their connected lips, for the first time since he heard the incurable verdict, he feels hopeful.

-

 

Their kiss is interrupted when his phone rings, and Sungyeol jumps, flustered and thoroughly kissed and he looks so beautiful Howon wants to cry (and curse the caller to die).

It’s just a text apparently, from Jungyeop.

“He wants me to meet him tomorrow at 11,” Howon tells Sungyeol, who beams.

“He will tell you about contract renewal!”

“He says nothing about that in the text,” Howon says.

“Well, but he has promised us about you,” Sungyeol shrugs. “So it must be it. Now, shut up and kiss me again.”

-

 

Facing the management is scary, to be honest. Howon can't see where they will put him in this industry. A blind idol, nobody has ever heard of such, and even if Sungyeol kissed him yesterday with a whisper of 'we're not going to lose you' in his lips and tears in his eyes, Howon thinks that there must be many other ways for the management to twist their words and to find cracks in his friend's argument and change their decision.

Sunggyu and Sungyeol are with him, on each of his sides, but then Jungyeop calls him to go alone.

"CEO-nim," he greets the older.

"Yes, Howon. How are you?" he asks and Howon knows that it's just a small talk, something to open their conversation but it irks him, makes him want to snap. Of course he isn't fine! He is going blind!

"I'm sure that you've heard the decision about your contract yesterday," he says. Howon nods.

"You're going to keep me in the group."

"Your friends want to keep you in the group."

"So actually you don't want me anymore but you only keep me because I'm a bundle with the other."

"Well, yes and no. You see, if they didn't come here and beg me to let you stay, I won't give you a new contract. I still want you, you're incredibly talented, Howon. But when you lose your sight, then you're going to need things. Things that we can't quite provide."

"I don't need anything from you," Howon spits his words.

"You do," Jungyeop says sharply. "Don't think that you can go through this alone. You can't see, Howon. And with our line of work, do you know what kind of support you're going to need? First, a personal manager, one that is specially trained to handle your condition."

"I don't need specially trained manager!" Howon says.

"You do. You will need personal bodyguard as well, because who knows what you sasaeng may do to you when you can’t see. You will need many other thing as well, Howon. Special equipment, special practice, basically special everything. Thanks to Sungyeol, for the time being I shouldn’t worry too much about that."

"...what do you mean?"

"Sungyeol says he will do it."

"Sungyeol?" he asks confusedly. "He will do what?"

"Taking care of you," Jungyeop says. "Be with you 24/7. He promised me he will never leave your side."

"He did what?" Howon asks and now he is angry but for a very different reason.

"Yes, that's why I call you here, Howon. Yesterday, your friend decided that they want you in the group. One of them even said that he will be your personal caretaker, if it means you stay. But this is their decision, not yours. So I want to ask you, do you still want to stay in the group?"

Howon is loss at words. He wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to take the paperweight in Jungyeop's table and hurl it at him.

"I'm not asking for the answer right now, but I'll wait your decision this weekend. Now, that's all from me, Howon."

 

For the first time in his life, he slams the door when he gets out of the CEO office.

Sunggyu and Sungyeol are still waiting in the bench in the hallway, and they jump when they hear the loud voice.

"You," he growls to the taller of the two. "We need to talk, now!"

And then he walks away, leading, so Sungyeol has to scramble on his feet to catch up. Howon pulls open a door to an empty practice room, and when Sungyeol enters, he tells him to lock the door.

"24/7?" he starts. "24/7 by my side? Who gives you the right to do that?!"

"What?" Sungyeol is taken aback by his outburst.

"You promised Jungyeop to stay by my side 24/7! You said you will be my 'caretaker' - what was that? I'm not your charity case, Sungyeol!"

"I didn't do this as charity!" Sungyeol screams back. "I didn't say I'm going to be your caretaker as well! But what is so wrong with me wanting to stay by your side all the time? I want to take care of you, as your boyfriend!"

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Howon shouts in frustration. "Boyfriend? Since when are you my boyfriend? We are nothing, Yeol!"

Sungyeol goes unhealthily pale in one second, he looks in disbelief at Howon before his expression changes into hurt and Howon, no matter how angry he was, knows that he has crossed a line.

"Sungyeol, no – I mean do you even know what you're talking about? Do you know what you're subjecting into? You're going to take care a disable man for the rest of our contract! Do you even love me like that?" he screams.

"Yes! Yes, Howon! I love you like that! Like my father loves my mother! Like I want to take care of you not until the rest of our contract, but the rest of my life! I thought you love me back, you jerk. Then why did you kiss me back yesterday?!" and now he cries, tears on his cheeks and Howon realizes that Sungyeol is not kidding when he says he loves him but how? Why? There are other men more handsome than Howon, more successful, and most definitely isn't going blind.

They hear bangs from the door, followed by Sunggyu's voice. "What are you doing there? Why are you shouting? Open the door!"

Sungyeol turns away and he's about to open the door when Howon slams him into the door and kiss him, hard, bruising. Sungyeol melts into his mouth for a moment before he realizes what is happening and pushes him away.

"What do you think you are doing?!" he screams.

"I love you," Hoya says, desperate to get his message across before Sungyeol can reject him. It's too late.

"Get off me, I don't want you like this," Sungyeol says, voice hoarse, he is holding his tears back.

Sungyeol pushes him again and this time Howon lets him. He hopes Sungyeol will look at him one time so he can sees Howon's regretting everything but he doesn't look at him once as he unlocked the door and sprints.

Sunggyu with his mouth opens, eyes confused and worried, sees him instead.

-

 

 

"Do you not want it?" Sunggyu asks quietly. They are sitting down in the practice room, back to the closed door.

"What?" Howon asks back, still feeling disoriented.

"To stay in Infinite," Sunggyu explains.

"Of course I want..." Howon trails. "But not if it means I'll be a burden for the team."

"Howon, how do I make you believe this? We care about you, so we don't mind."

"I'm sorry, Hyung. I believe you, of course I do,” Howon sighs.

"Then what's the problem? Why did you fight?"

"I... well, I've just realized it now and not before when I was talking to him," Howon says.

"Then it's fine," Sunggyu says. "I'll talk to him."

"No!" Howon says quickly because he hasn't told Sunggyu the whole story, about his rushed confession, that had came out wrong. No, this was something he should fix alone.

-

 

But exactly how to fix this? He doesn’t really know what to do with emotion. He talks to Sunggyu, but more about the technical aspect of his difficulty, and he doesn’t bring up Sungyeol at all. Not about his kiss and his confession. Then he looks for the younger from top to bottom of Woollim but can’t find him anywhere.

In the end he goes home, but he opens the door and it doesn’t feel like home at all and he really doesn’t need this misery on top of his blindness so he calls Sungjong for advice. The maknae tells him to man up, apologize, and re-confess.

“There isn’t any other way, is it?”

“There is none easier that I know of,” Sungjong replies.

Still, Howon wants to give him credit because Sungjong didn’t even freak out when he hears that Sungyeol kissed Howon, and Howon kissed back, and they did that with feeling.

They talk again for three hours about his eyes, his meeting with management, his plan, also gossiping about the other members, until finally Sungjong tells him to stop procrastinating and call Sungyeol now.

Howon is holding his phone, finger hovering uncertainly over Sungyeol’s contact, when he hears the passcode being entered and door being opened, and then in front of him is Sungyeol.

“…Sungyeol?”

“Howon, I’m sorry. Please listen to me,” he babbles before Howon can say anything more. “I’m sorry that I took things into my own hand without consulting or at least letting you know about it first. I should’ve thought it through but I didn’t think at all and sort of just start doing things. But that’s only because I’m terrified you’ll leave us. And Myungsoo said I'm an asshole because I dump this problem on top your already existed problem and I don't really want to admit it but he's right so I just want to say sorry."

"Apology accepted, and I want to say sorry too, for being so high strung and ungrateful after you've gone through things to help me.  I just find it unbelievable that you will agree to do things for me. Also, sorry for my rushed confession, you must have thought it was insincere."

"Well, to tell you the truth I was pissed off yesterday. One minute you scream your head off to me and next minute you kiss me and say I love you and I don't know what to make of it."

"It was sincere, my confession. Like I said, I didn't believe you when you say you love  
me, so I got angry, but then I realized the truth and yeah, I just said everything tactlessly. I'm sorry, Yeol."

"Apology accepted," Sungyeol says, smiling. "I know you're tactless with words."

"You're getting me confused with yourself," Howon says. "Also, is my apology the only one you accept?"

"What else?" Sungyeol's eyebrows rise.

"My confession," Howon says and Sungyeol smiles.

"Fine, but only if you ask me nicely."

So Howon jumps into him and they kiss, like yesterday, like tomorrow too, until kisses is not enough and Howon brings them into his room, where he can claims the younger as his boyfriend, as _his_.

 

When it’s over, they lie next to each other, both not so fond of cuddles, but his thigh touches Sungyeol’s and it is quite enough for Howon.

"But Sungyeol, you really have to be sure about this. I'm going blind. It will happen, suddenly, and then everything won't be the same. You better know what you're signing yourself into because I will never let you go."

"Well maybe I don't know much. I will make lots of mistake, and probably also bring in accident and trouble. The only thing I know is that I'll never leave you."

“Yeol…” Howon feels his throat starts to feel funny and no, he can’t cry. “I will never be able to take you to date, to bring you things, to drive you around. You realize that I will never be able to look back at you when you look at me, right?”

“Howon, I can do all of those you mentioned enough for the both of us. I’ll take you to dates and drive you around. You don’t have to look at me, just talk to me, listen to me, and love me. I don’t need someone to look at my face and praise me, Howon. I have many other things superior than my face, like my personality –“

Howon snorts.

“Yah!” Sungyeol hits him.

“Excuse me, Yeol, but honestly you’re really pretty, it is hard for any other thing to top your face, including your personality,” Howon cups Sungyeol’s face into his hand. “Actually, especially your personality.”

“YAH!” he shouts loudly again hits him again, but he grins and his eyes sparkles and Howon knows he will miss those eyes terribly later so kisses them, over and over again.

-

 

Sungyeol moves in to Howon’s apartment. He pretends to claim the other bedroom in the opposite side of the house, although at night he opens Howon’s door and climbs into his bed.

They have sex every night, because Howon wants to remember every inch of Sungyeol’s skin and makes a map of his moles inside his mind. He hopes later when everything fades he can still make the boy under him writhes in pleasure.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” Sungyeol says. “I don’t mind doing all the work later.”

Howon kisses him again.

 

The members visit them more often than usual. They don’t say why they visit, but Howon doesn’t need them to. Woohyun often comes just to cook and eat before leaving again. Everytime Dongwoo visits, the rapper hugs him right on the doorstep and doesn’t let go until he has to drag him to the living room, where he throws himself and Dongwoo as well to the couch. They will cuddle until Sungyeol finds out and screams in mock jealousy and joins them.  When Sungjong visits, they will talk for hours like they are still roommates. Myungsoo visits almost every day, and Howon isn’t sure if it is because of him or Sungyeol, but Myungsoo still comes even when Sungyeol is out.

Sometimes Howon has to hold back his tears when he sees them. Sometimes Howon tells them about things. Sometimes Howon just look at them, memorizing their faces and their smiles.

 

Everybody in Woollim already knows about Howon’s condition. He is thankful, however, when they all congratulate him and wish him good luck instead of sending him pitiful look.

His participation in their comeback is confirmed, as well as his contract renewal. He is still expected to sing and rap, so he still goes to the agency to practice.

He can’t bring himself to go down to the dance studio in the basement, but other than that everything feels normal.

-

 

Howon wakes up one day to a blur world and no matter how many times he blinks, the blur doesn’t disappear.

He smiles when a tall man approaches him and greets him good morning in a familiar, cheerful voice. Howon doesn’t believe in God but he prays to the universe or whatever deity is exist in it to let him see that man’s face one more time, for the last time.

But Sungyeol stays blurry, his face is a mix of brown and pale white among Howon’s grey spots. When he moves his head, there is a spot of pink that Howon assumes is Sungyeol’s lips, so he kiss that spot and earns himself a contented sigh from his lover.

He still can roughly make out the shapes of the furniture in his apartment, so it doesn’t really matter. He still remembers the layout clearly as well. He doesn’t really miss to see his apartment. All he wants is to see Sungyeol’s face.

“We have a vocal practice today at the studio,” Sungyeol says. “Eat this toast and take a shower, then we’re ready to go!” he instruct before going to the kitchen, probably to make more toast for himself.

“Howon, what time is it? Do you think I still have time to make French toast?”

Howon can’t see the clock anymore but he is sure last night he set his alarm at 9, so it must be not far from it. He pretends to glance at the clock on the wall and answers, “It’s 9.10.”

It is peaceful for some times, Sungyeol is complaining vaguely about Myungsoo, something about Gongju and Byeol he doesn’t quite catch up. Then he hears a crashing sound and look up, to see Sungyeol standing in the hallway, hands mid air as if he is still holding the dish in his hand.

“Sungyeol? What happened?” he stands up but doesn’t dare to run because he can’t see the smashed glass on the floor right now.

“Howon, you are…” he falters. “Howon how do you know that it’s 9 o’clock?”

“Uh,” Howon says. “The clock?” he points at the clock on the wall.

“The clock stops since yesterday, Howon. It shows 2 o’clock right now.”

“…oh.”

“Howon, you… can you see me?”

Howon thinks if he can get away with lying. Just for one more day, so he can spare Sungyeol from tears for one more day, or maybe so he can deny the reality. But then he remembers that this is Sungyeol and if there is one thing Sungyeol will do in Howon’s position, it is to tell the truth.

“I can’t, Sungyeol.”

He waits to hear the sobs, the sharp intake of breath, anything. But he hears nothing.

“Don’t cry,” he says.

“I’m not,” Sungyeol says back. But Howon knows that he is, even if he can’t see anything.

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sungyeol walks into him and envelopes him in a hug, and Howon doesn’t want to let go for a very long time.

-

 

“There’s no need to freak out,” Howon tells them when his members flock into his apartment later that day. “I still can see, you know. I still can tell who’s who.”

It’s true. He can’t see his small eyes anymore, but he can tell that the one sitting in front of him is Sunggyu. Nor he can’t see the jutting lips but he knows it is Woohyun next to him. Myungsoo is the one sitting on the floor, next to him is Sungjong and Dongwoo.

He can even tell that now they’re exchanging look with each other in bewilderment.

“Howon, stop being so calm, you’re freaking us out,” and this is his charming boyfriend, no doubt, sitting on the armchair next to him. Howon rolls his eyes (do his eyes still roll when he does that or…?) because of course Sungyeol thinks that being calm is equal freaking out.

“Listen, it’s not… that bad? I’ve prepared for the worst so this doesn’t really shock me anymore,” he says.

-

 

Well, of course, he says that during the day but during the night, when he no one can see, when he is surrounded by walls and protected by a door, he cries. He finds himself can cry only when he is safe.

Except of course then Sungyeol will wake up (Howon is not sure how, his room in _on the other side of the house_ ) and open the door and climb into his bed but somehow, he still cries, because in the taller boy’s arms, he feels safe.

 

-

Howon doesn't know if Sungyeol is being overly positive or simply stupid. He confuses Howon because sometimes he hears Sungyeol holding back his sobs in the bathroom, when he doesn't know that Howon is outside listening, but sometimes he'll bring home food from new place he wants to try and pester Howon to practice his singing as if nothing happens.

"I don't want to him to pretend to be happy around me," Howon confesses to Sungjong when the younger visits him. "He doesn't have to do that."

"Is that what you think, Hyung?" Sungjong asks him, Howon can feel his eyes intense on him.

"Why? You think I'm wrong?"

"Well..." Sungjong says. "This is Sungyeol Hyung we're talking about. He doesn't pretend."

No, Howon thinks and wonders if Sungjong is ever wrong. But then it gets him confused again.

"So he is happy one second and miserable next. What does that mean?"

"Congratulation, Hyung," Sungjong says flatly. "Your new boyfriend comes with extreme mood swing."

The next time he catches Sungyeol crying, he pulls him from his seat on the toilet lid and sit him on the dining chair.

"Really," he says. "Sungyeol, why are you crying? In the toilet?"

"Sorry..." he says. "I didn't mean to."

"Didn't mean to cry?"

"Yes," Sungyeol admits. "I come here with happy feeling, but sometimes I think about how hard it must be for you and I can't help but cry."

"You know I don't need your pity."

"I don't pity you, please Howon don't think about it like that."

"Then why do you cry?"

"I feel sad, for you. Sometimes I feel like it's me losing my sight and it is hard."

“Sungyeol, please. Don’t cry because of me. I don’t like it.”

“But I don’t cry because of you,” Sungyeol says. “I just cry for you.”

“Is that different?” Howon asks. All he wants is for Sungyeol to stop crying.

He still doesn’t understand what Sungyeol means, even after he thinks about it later. But, somehow, he feels reassured, because at least he knows there is someone who will cry for him if he dies.

-

 

He still goes to Woollim to practice vocal. Woohyun suggests him to compose, and Howon thinks it’s a nice idea so that’s exactly what he does nowadays.

Sungyeol says he’s workaholic. Howon knows that the younger is worried about him but really, it’s not like Howon is sick (although he kind of is, but he can still do things) and being kept inside his house, not able to do anything, is a stuff of nightmare for Howon, so Sungyeol reluctantly agrees to drive him to Woollim every morning.

It’s his sixth day practicing and Howon bangs his fingers into the keyboard. This is frustrating, not being able to see the keys properly. Not that he can't play, he can still feel the keys and move his fingers along. However, he can't be fast, and up to this moment he has abandoned several good inspirations simply because his hands can't keep up with his mind.

"I brought coffee," Sungyeol's voice comes from the door. "How are you going?"

"Terrible," Howon says frankly. "I hate my hands. They aren't fast enough."

"Hey, don't blame the wrong suspect," Sungyeol chides. "Don't put them into your ridiculously high standard either. It's their first time having to follow your whim without the help from your eyes."

"I can dance with my eyes closed," Howon argues. "They are capable to do this."

"Of course they are, but not in the first day."

"I miss dancing," Howon sighs.

"Let's dance, then!" Sungyeol exclaims with enthusiastic tone and Howon can imagine his expression, lips smiling and eyes sparkling.

"How?"

As an answer, he hears a tango music playing and Sungyeol is approaching him. The next second, he pulls Howon to stand and puts his hands on Howon's waist.

"Put your hands on my shoulders," he commands and Howon wants to laugh and cry at the absurdity of the idea, before panic hits him.

"Sungyeol, don't. This is a bad idea."

"What? You said you want to dance."

"Yes, but it was just a wishful thinking. I will step on your toes, and hit the table or something. I will fall and bring you down as well and -"

And Sungyeol kisses him, soft and quick but it stuns Howon into quietness before the taller put his chin on Howon's shoulder.

"You can step on my toes, I don't mind. You won't hit anything, because I won't let you. You won't fall either, because I have you. So, you have to try this," he whispers, and Howon can feels his chin moving on his shoulder. "I promise it will be fun."

Sungyeol waits, keeping his position for minutes until Howon finally nods.

And then it is tornado.

Sungyeol jerks his head so fast and pulls him along to move and soon he is swaying and swinging and he forgets his earlier fear because he is busy avoiding collide with Sungyeol's body (he is so wild, that boy).

It is... fun, surprisingly. For the first time until his sight blurred, he can feel fun, a raw, pure, unadulterated fun where he lets himself loose without any thought about everything else. His body feels liberated as he stretches his arms and taps his foot around Sungyeol's.

It's so so fun.

"Your muscles still remember how to move, Hoya!" Sungyeol praises hin between his breath and Howon grins because it is true.

He feels Sungyeol putting a weird pressure on his waist and Howon doesn't register what it is at first but he grins when he does.

"Did you just try to lift me?"

"Shut up, I did not."

"And you couldn't," Howon finds it extremely funny and cute at the same time. "Were you planning to twirl me or something?"

"Well yeah, but you're heavier than you should be!"

Howon grins and takes over the lead, slipping his hands to Sungyeol's waist and when the younger lets him, Howon lifts him, making Sungyeol squeaks in surprise and trashes around until Hown drops him and they fall together on the floor.

"You could've killed me!" Sungyeol accuses and Howon shakes his head at his dramatic self, but also smiles in fondness and he lifts his head to land a kiss on the younger's lips.

"Thank you," he says. "And this confirms that even like this, I'm still the better dancer between us."

"Jerk!" Sungyeol shouts. "Do you have to rub it in my face like this?"

Howon laughs because he doesn't mean what he says, but Sungyeol is playing along, and it makes Howon feels warm and strong.

-

 

Dance practice, is tricky, but doable and fun. Thanks to his impromptu (albeit failed) dance with Sungyeol that day, Howon regains his confidence in dancing with blurry eyes and as long as someone can show him the choreography by describing the movement and showing them by touch, Howon thinks he can do it.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that he is nervous for his first time official dancing practice. When he hears Dongmin Hyung arrives at the class, he is sweating bullet. The kind dance instructor, however, gives him a warm and strong hug.

“Howon, I know your body more than anyone. Trust me when I say you can do this,” he says to Howon.

“Hyung, that came out so wrong!” he hears Sungyeol comments with petulant jealousy that Dongmin Hyung thankfully doesn’t seem to catch.

It is not easy the first time. Howon keeps slipping into doubt whether he gets the movement right or not, so he often pausing or slowing down, and it makes him frustrated.

“Howon, you’re doing good, just keep it up,” he hears Dongmin Hyung and suddenly he is more aware of his weakness than ever. No, he isn’t doing good, he can feel it, so why does his instructor says he does? Does his movement look better than it feel? The moving blur in front of him, that he assumes is his own shadow in the mirror, feels like a mockery.

“Hyung, be fair!” he hears Sungyeol whines again. “You scold me for moving like him a minute ago!”

He can feel all the members stopping their movement and turn their eyes to Sungyeol, probably to give him the nastiest glare.

“Yeol, don’t be so –“ he hears Woohyun says before cutting him off.

“Did I?” he asks to Dongmin Hyung. “Did I do something that should’ve been given a scolding?”

“Uh,” Dongmin Hyung says.

“Is my movement slow? Tell me! I can’t see so it’s your responsibility to tell me!” he shouts in anger. He doesn’t need any easy pass. He is blind, not stupid. He doesn’t need coddling, all he needs is honesty.

“Well, yes,” Dongmin Hyung finally says reluctantly. “You’re too doubtful, it makes your movement blunt and slow.”

“You should’ve told me sooner!” he shouts again, still feeling some bad mood.

“Okay…” Dongmin Hyung still sounds unsure and Howon is about to open his mouth again, before Sungyeol cuts him off.

“It’s fine, Hyung. Be honest on him, he can handle it. Howonnie is though.”

And somehow it convinces the rest of the room that the minor conflict is solved. It’s awkward for a while in the room, but soon the music starts playing and they move again and even if this time he keeps receiving “Faster, Howon! I said don’t hesitate!” from Dongmin Hyung, he feels his movement is getting better and better until it finally gets right and when he collapses on the floor, spent, he feels satisfied.

-

 

"This is your lyric," Sungyeol says. "From 'I'm going to keep you in my arms' until 'the stars are losing to your light'."

Howon listens to the demo song and makes sure to repeat it over and over again.

Sungyeol guides him to the recording booth and he hears something that sounds like Sungyeol adjusting the microphone for him.

"Howon, I'll leave you," he says when everything is well set up.

"Yeah, go already," he says and somehow he can feels Sungyeol rolling his eyes.

"You're lucky you're cool," he answers him before leaving the recording booth.

To be honest, Howon is nervous as fuck. He knows he can do this, he has practiced for days for mere six lines.

"Do it again, Howon," he hears his producer saying. "You're too tense. Relax."

Relax, Howon thinks. Relax, but how? The recording room is always dim and in Howon's eyes it's even darker and fuck he's about to record and they really let him sing? Even when he is going blind?

The door is opened and Sungyeol comes inside. "Relax, Howon," he says. Sungyeol doesn't hug him, both of aren't fond of skinship in front of other people but he can feel the younger squeezes his hand and now, Howon knows how to relax.

-

 

So yeah, eventually they have to announce Howon’s condition, because it won’t do for fans to find out why Howon spacing out on the stage or losing a tiny control of his movement through rumor or accident. Howon doesn’t look forward to it.

“They think you’re really brave,” Woohyun says as he reads him the news. “Most are also surprised but they wish you luck.”

“Some insensitive bastard think this is a joke,” Sungyeol reports. “Many feel bad for you, but with the best intention, I think. This is general public, so don’t think too much about them. All of our fans are supportive, of course.”

“But I will get a lot of questions about this, won’t I?”

“Don’t worry, Howonnie! I’ll glare them away when they make you uncomfortable,” Sungyeol pecks him.

“You? Somehow I don’t feel reassured,” Howon mocks, but he hides his smile.

 

Their comeback explodes, they gain attention although, bitterly, Howon knows it is because of his blindness rather than anything. He doesn’t complain, however, because he doesn’t want to. He can’t read news, but he can feel it because the cheers during music broadcast is louder and they tell him about their digital and physical sales and the number is more than double than usual.

They ask him about that sometimes, during radio and talk show but all of the questions are within normal range and he has suspicion that his members will be glaring toward whoever asking if the question is inappropriate, so yes he doesn’t really mind. He never once cries in show.

However, when he is in the middle of the stage, still singing, still dancing, still hearing the fan chants, still feeling the confetti flying, even when his surrounding is nothing more than a mix of colorful lights, he cries. Not out of sadness or grief, but out of relieve, because he lose something, yes, but not anything that matters.

 -

 

It seems so cruel that the last light Howon sees is from Inspirit’s yeobong. They are nearing the end of the promotion and are holding a special mini concert. This is the last ment before the encore, confetti flying everywhere and Dongwoo is giving another wise quote about parting and meeting again when everything shuts down in Howon’s vision.

At first he thought there is an electrical problem, but he can still hear Dongwoo’s microphone on. There is no panicking either, so he knows what the blackness is about.

It hits him right at the heart that he is completely blind, now. He feels his legs losing strength upon this realization but someone catch him before he falls, hugging him from behind. From the touch, from the smell, and from the breath on his ears, Howon knows who it is.

“What’s wrong?” he hears Sungyeol whispers and it is amazing how his lover always know when something is wrong with him.

“I can’t see the light anymore,” Howon whispers back and he feels warmth in the corner of his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Sungyeol whispers. “It’s okay.”

Howon nods, feeling tears on his cheeks. He can feel the rest of the members surrounding around him now. Sungyeol still whispers it’s okay in his ears.

“Why is Hoya-ssi crying?” he hears Woohyun addressing him. Howon smiles before raising his own microphone.

“Inspirit’s yeobong are truly beautiful tonight,” he says. “I feel so blessed that I was able to see it.”

He doesn’t know how many fans catch his past tense, but he can hear a beat of silence among the members and soon he is enveloped in a group hug. He can feel someone wiping his tears – Sungjong, because his fingers are always so soft, so velvety. Sunggyu pats his shoulder. Dongwoo and Woohyun are crying next to him. Myungsoo hugs him from the front and Sungyeol, his lover, his everything, is still holding him from behind.

He isn’t going anywhere.

They aren’t going anywhere.

-

 

Sometimes Howon still wakes up at night and cries, because he dreams of things clear and colorful but they disappear when he opens his eyes. Sungyeol will wake up every single time and scoops him into his arm, not saying anything, but he is there, awake, aware, until Howon falls asleep again.

-

 

“You sure you don’t want me to take you home?” Dongwoo asks him when they are leaving Woollim after a V-app recording.

After their group comeback (and his total loss of vision) three months ago, surprisingly the first unit Woollim wants to comeback is INFINITE H. Sungyeol was livid at first, expressing his disagreement right away when their CEO suggested it.

“They’re trying to sell your… your vision loss!” Sungyeol screamed in the room later when the management had left. The other members were still in the room, trying to calm his boyfriend down.

They still go through with the plans, because Howon agrees. Truthfully, he doesn’t mind that much to ride the momentum they are getting for his blindness. Howon doesn’t think what happened to him as sob story, he lost his vision, yes, but he is still in Infinite and he gets an awesome boyfriend as well. He doesn’t lose much. Besides, he keeps receiving letters from people like him, telling him that he is inspiring them and if he can keep the spirits of his kind of people alive by having activities, of course he’ll do that.

“It’s fine. Yeollie’s picking me up. He’s already on the way,” Howon says.

Dongwoo smiles (or so Howon believes) and he pats his shoulder. “I’m really proud of you two.”

“Thanks, Hyung. It’s because of your support as well,” Howon smiles.

A familiar engine sound arrived right in front of him. Howon reaches around to feel the car in front of him and opens the door.

“Do you wait for long?” his lover asks him from the driver seat. “There was traffic at the Hongdae. Hi, Dongwoo Hyung! Howon doesn’t make trouble today, does he?”

“Hi, Yeollie! No, he’s just making us uncomfortable with his lame jokes again.”

“Hey! You say the fans like my jokes!” he protests as he enters the car.

“Obviously they’re just doing it out of courtesy,” his boyfriend answers instead and Dongwoo laughs so loud Howon sure people in the NIT Café across can hear him. “Dongwoo Hyung, you want a hitch?”

“No, Yeol. I brought my own car,” Dongwoo says. “See you tomorrow, Howon! Drive safe, Yeol!”

“How’s comeback preparation?” Sungyeol asks when they are on the road.

“All great,” Howon says. “We’re all ready for tomorrow’s showcase. You’ll be there, right?”

“Do you even have to ask? Of course I’ll attend my boyfriend’s showcase,” Sungyeol answers and he stops the car at Howon assumes a crossroad. “Especially when he co-write all the songs in his album and says there is one he made special for me. My boyfriend is so talented,” Sungyeol coos. “Oh shit wait! Howon, look!”

“What? What happened?” Howon is startled and reaches for Sungyeol’s hand immediately.

“I just saw a very handsome man on that corner shop!”

“What?” Howon slaps the hand he holds, irritated. “What are you talking about? What kind of man? How dare you mentioning another man in my presence? Describe him to me!”

“Well, his body is really good,” and Sungyeol has the nerve to sound smitten. “He has rather thick eyebrows, sadly, but he’s still handsome.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s in the billboard on that music shop roof. He’s a member of a group,” Sungyeol answers.

“What group?” Howon demands.

“INFINITE H,” Sungyeol says again before diving for a peck and then Howon realizes that Sungyeol is teasing him, again.

“Jeez. So stupid,” he pushes the younger away.

“You love me for that,” Sungyeol singsongs and then the light must have turned green because Sungyeol starts driving again.

Three months has passed since Howon saw the last light in his life. He still misses it sometimes, but more often than not he hears Sungyeol laugh and realizes that he still has another light in his life.

Howon still can’t see, but when Sungyeol is next to him, enthusiastically explaining everything he sees to Howon without feeling burdened or forced, sometimes Howon feels that for a moment, he gets his vision back, and he can live with that.

**END**


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